Yardstick

Sept 2017 Disposable Roll

I’ve been thinking of how to write this. It’s going to be a post about how I constantly measure myself against others and how it’s horrid to do so. The whole thing about the only person you should compare yourself to being your past self. But! I’ve been doing better! I think!

If by doing better, I meant not as concerned about how I supposedly suck and should hate myself with reckless abandon. I skip all my lunches (way easier than “counting calories”) but I snack sometimes, self-assuredly, and I don’t gym like I used to. Like. I feel like I should be gymming. But I don’t. Now I have no reason to complain about it, right? I still go running time to time.

And then again I’ve been sporadically popping Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel open and swiping with the mild fear of being found out that my profile pictures are not exactly accurate to present-me.

Is being comfortable with yourself enough of an excuse to just live day-to-day?

In the same track, I often handle potentially scary situations by sticking my head as far into the mud as I can, willing the Big Bad Upset to go away and sometimes it works, but sometimes it bites me in the ass real bad. I’m terrified of what’s coming up, finals, the future and talking to people I fancy and the mud I’m slapping my head in manifests as napping all day, not planning my days ahead and ignoring online conversations.

Finals are up in 9 days and I haven’t started. I’ll start tomorrow, should be more than enough time oh God please let there be enough. And I hope that I haven’t actually messed up on my planning of modules through Year 4.

I’m really keen on escaping to a foreign place with nothing but a couple of dollars and a rucksack to live a bare life. I’d be stuck with no possessions, but perhaps that’s something I should learn to live with. I don’t know if I’ll take an LOA or just escape to London during the holidays.

Just anything! Anything to feel like there’s progress somewhere!