I Care For Your Suffering

Shao:
Hi bb just rambling

So she’s on her fourth date and I’m tea partying yea

And I’m trying to access my biggest fears but they don’t form and I’m like it’s okay I feel better anyway

So I’m at a place where I half accept that she is seeing someone else

And yet it doesn’t mean I am abandoned because she insisted on giving me water and cares for my wellbeing

And so it’s a fact thst she cares for me and yet doesn’t prefer to be with me romantically so there’s the challenging of my assumption that her dating someone else means me being abandoned

So since there is some resistance, the challenge just becomes a weird half acceptance that life just works that way

And I sat and figured that today a lot of people showed me care

And I am capable of being cared for…

But I am still upset that I cannot be the one she wants to be with

And I think I’m in a space where I’m beginning to grasp what thrownness is

Where things are not personal but they just… Are

And it sucks to high heavens

And I can observe everything happening, Her loving someone else, terror client being kind, me having a good conversation with sascha

And these feelings are kind of numb but the entire shape of all these lived experiences are not personal and not related to who I am and what I perceive of myself

And this ends up feeling like a sort of non-evil/not-scary desolation

Like the end of a movie when a camera just pulls back from me as I stare into the distance

And so many things are happening around me, in spite of me, without me, with me

And all this time I’ve been drowning in the turbulence of these events but this time I’m just sitting at the riverbank in an odd spectator role feeling completely out of the way from these events

Part of this whole mess of feelings is an empty resignation because I’ve been lusting after her for the past few days that once I stop tenzing my shoulders it feels that letting her go is the resignation, like you said yesterday, “let the resignation stay”

And part of it is a strong refusal to be sad because today has been so good that her dating that guy “shouldn’t” be the thing that ruins it

And part of it is anticipating future sadness, especially on valentines

So I’m typing this all out and further realising that

Along the river analogy

Acceptance would be standing in the river and letting it flow around me and if anything pushes me to let it be

Being in a trance of resistance would be flailing against the current

And where I am now is sitting at the riverbank, feeling removed from everything and observing and reflecting upon everything

Noticing the power and tragedy of thrownness

But I can feel a bit of sorrow from this

Which feels like a little bit of acceptance

Which is like me wading back in

Ready to reattend to the river

And understanding that despite all the thrownness

I am still standing

I am still capable of sorrow and joy and love and compassion

And as I type this I can see my heart peeling apart

I can feel the pain

And incredible tragedy

As I reintegrate into the river

It is cold and it hurts

But it just is

I am no longer numb

I am sobbing

But it’s the good faggy kind

Where’s it’s good to feel again

It’s good to rejoin the orientation group of life

And it is good to notice how fucking brutal everything isb

And yet how little it can affect me if I just let it flow

It is good to feel that despite all this pain

It will be over

And there will be many other water currents in my life

That will bring me joy or sorrow

This is way better than numbness

I wanted her so bad

Because I had no idea how to face everything else

That the earnest happiness she can provide

Was all I could fathom

The only life buoy in these rapids

Ping:
:))

Shao:
And it fucking sucks but

The river can never hurt me that bad

If I just let it be

Love u

OK I’m gonna run