Author: shao

  • Tomorrow

    The big day’s almost here.

    I’ve never really had a real birthday celebration as far as I can remember. My birthday always fell near, or during exam periods which meant that outings or anything near of the sort were off.

    Additionally, the closest friends I made along the way weren’t the “go out together” type, more of the “coop at home” type which made it even more boring. So I never really had the joy of having a party or something. I forgot what happened last year.

    I don’t quite see the point of celebrating 17 years of my life haha. I mean, why be extra nice to someone on the day he was born? Be nice to them every day damnit. Of course I won’t refuse a gift or two. Heh.

    So I was reminiscing through the memories of primary school. I remember topping my tuition class for an essay and feeling very proud. I remember joining Science Club which merged with Math Club. I remember hitching a ride on my classmate’s car every Friday. I remember the huge dead fish in the pond.

    Then came high school. I remember sleeping in Lab 5, watching a senior play Quake. I remember 4S2’s classroom. I remember breaks during bio. I remember fooling around with Song Ken haha.

    And a year before, I don’t remember being so caught up over things such as “friendship”, “relationships”, “impressions” et cetera. It seems like a such a folly to worry about such things now. The econs essay before me isn’t even making sense at all blargh.

    WISHLIST of 2011

    [  ] Take a photo with an orangey sun in the background, be it in the morning or at the evening. Faces must be partially illuminated.

    [  ] Not flunk promos

    [  ] Hang out at a beach. A clean beach.

    [  ] Take buses from terminal to terminal for a day, “talking, just talking” (or at least for a few hours)

    [  ] Get drunk

    [  ] Make a montage of the holidays

    [  ] Settle all of that crap once and for all

    Okay apparently one of the books my mom dumped in the bookdrop didn’t register. Shit.

    Hope everything goes well after this.

    Dedicated to a close lovesick friend, hope she’s feeling better. She is!

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bccKotFwzoY&ob=av3e]

    Giving up the Gun – Vampire Weekend

    Your sword’s grown old and rusty, burnt beneath the rising sun
    It’s locked up like a trophy, forgetting all the things it’s done
    And though it’s been a long time, you’re right back where you started from
    I see it in your eyes that now you’re giving up the gun

    When I was 17, I had wrists like steel and I felt complete
    And now my body fades behind a brass charade and I’m obsolete
    But if the chance remains to see those better days, I’d cut the cannons down
    My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but still I crave that sound

    Your sword’s grown old and rusty, burnt beneath the rising sun
    It’s locked up like a trophy, forgetting all the things it’s done
    And though it’s been a long time, you’re right back where you started from
    I see it in your eyes that now you’re giving up the gun

    I heard you play guitar down at a seedy bar where skinheads used to fight
    Your Tokugawa smile and your garbage style used to save the night
    You felt the coming wave, told me we’d all be brave, you said you wouldn’t flinch
    But in the years that passed since I saw you last, you haven’t moved an inch

    Your sword’s grown old and rusty, burnt beneath the rising sun
    It’s locked up like a trophy, forgetting all the things it’s done
    And though it’s been a long time, you’re right back where you started from
    I see it in your eyes that now you’re giving up the gun

    I see you shine in your way
    Go on, go on, go on

    Your sword’s grown old and rusty, burnt beneath the rising sun
    It’s locked up like a trophy, forgetting all the things it’s done
    And though it’s been a long time, you’re right back where you started from
    I see it in your eyes that now you’re giving up the gun

  • Over-reliance, over-dependence, whatever it is.

    Spent the whole of last night knocked out on my parents’ bed. Dreamt I was sitting at the beach in the sunset with my crush in my arms and I believe I was smiling like an idiot because my facial muscles were terribly sore when I woke up. I stared up at the ceiling and rocked on the spot while hugging my knees. I am so alone.

    I got the same amount of work done as I would’ve if I were awake. None.

    I’m really too damn over-reliant on everyone else for just everything. Years of being spoon-fed with revision worksheets, having teachers chase me for work all the time left me with a terrible lack of independence, like that disgustingly metallic after-taste from blood in your mouth.

    Which also makes me become rather clingy to my peers and especially unwilling to accept the fact that people might have lives outside of that with me and it’s rather pathetic of me blargh. I’m already starting to miss meet-ups and this sucks bad.

    I just can’t survive on my own. Overdependence at its worst.

    Also on bus rides home I go “oh wow I am so pumped and I am so going to finish this MATH REVISION PACKAGE

    And I die in front of the computer. (update: I am watching children eat food)

    I suck I suck I suck.

    I’ve failed 3 tests in a row this fucking sucks I HAD BETTER DO SOMETHING QUICK.

    2 days  1 day left OH I can’t wait.

    Fooling around in Victorian garb would be the coolest thing anyone could possibly do.

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vraoiVCDdaM]

    Holiday – Vampire Weekend

    Holiday, oh, a holiday
    And the best one of the year
    Dozing off underneath my sheets
    While I cover both my ears

    But if I wait for a holiday
    Could it stop my fears?
    To go away on a summer’s day
    Never seemed so clear

    Holiday, still so far away
    A republic on the beach
    I can’t forget just how bad it gets
    When I’m counting on my teeth

    But if I wait for a holiday
    Could it stop my fears?
    To go away on a summer’s day
    Never seemed so clear

    A vegetarian since the invasion
    She’d never seen the word “bombs”
    She’d never seen the word bombs blown up to 96 point Futura
    She’d never seen an A-K in a yellow day-glo display
    A t-shirt so lovely, it turned all the history books grey

    I got wheels, I got Cutter spray
    And a healthy sense of worth
    Half of me is the gasoline
    But the other half’s the surf

    But if I wait for a holiday
    Could it stop my fears?
    To away on a summer’s day
    Never seemed so clear

  • Traits [IIX – Write about your FIVE best friends]

    Back at the park again, but I’m running around this time. Just ran a fair bit from my house and I’m resting at a bench.

    From here I can see two old ladies having fun playing with a digital camera at the beach haha. Also the entire park is full of couples again.

    These aren’t arranged in any particular order.

    The first would be Responsibility. A rather stern person; likes to say “I told you so”. He often tells me to man up and be less dependent on others to study and stuff (he said I was going to write this and here I am writing this) He knows a lot about getting things done, from seeing some of my screw ups and having done a few jobs in his time. He may be strict, naggy, even; but he knows what’s best for me, I guess. Really glad having him around. Some sort of guidance in my life, no? We might have occasional disagreements but hey, it’s always some petty thing that we erase in the end.
    The next would be Charisma; completely shrouded in enigma. Conducts herself extremely well, and is really a terrifically sweet girl who has a talent to charm everyone she meets. I still don’t think I know her as well as I’d like, despite having “watched over” her for a few years. From the things she does I can tell that she’s really committed and good at everything. She just needs a bit more self-confidence, because I can’t see any flaws of hers. She’s much more complex than I can see at least, which makes her kind of awesome. Everyone likes the mysterious pretty lady in the corner. Oh god that was creepy.
    Third is Common Sense. A fan of “I told you so” as well. Very very generous, and seems like the kind who’d take a bullet for me. He likes to correct me when he disagrees with things I’ve said; I use it to my advantage by trolling him all the time. I’ve been abusing him too much really, but I’ve been treating him better since Sec 4. Extremely bulliable due to his laughably satisfying responses. Still, a superbly loyal friend in the end haha. A bit overbearing at times, but he’s usually right during those times.
    Fourth is Idiosyncrasy; I haven’t really met her in face. Talked a lot with her online around the start of Term 3, I got pretty upset when she went to university. The thing I like about her would be her propensity to do things that a normal person would simply balk at. Really hilarious things, really nice things, really neat things and really amazing, awesome things. Things that would be rather shocking when  She’s a natural-born leader, put it simply, and just needs some more self-confidence. Hope she’s doing well. She’s not, actually :/ sigh. I could say more about how awesome she is but I’d sound creepy, really creepy heh. It’s not my fault I get “obsessed” over awesome people. I wonder what qualifies as awesome in my eyes. Maybe modesty? Crap you found the amazing invisi-text.
    Fifth would be Concentration. He’s homophobic. He never fails to assist me in doing silly stuff whenever possible and can really get into things once he’s focussed. A hilarious guy during classes too, and insult battles are always fun. He just needs to be a bit less indignant about some stuff such as saying the word “help” which causes him to go completely apeshit at me. Actually I don’t mind BRING ON THE APESHIT
    Funny how they’re all qualities I lack in.
    Well
    4 days left!
    1 AM SHIT.
  • Atypical saturday

    Usually, my Saturdays are labelled as the “go-out-with-bestest-best-friends” Saturday, but it was cancelled this week due to “let-us-go-and-buy-that-douchebag-a-present-so-that-he’ll-stop-whining-and-being-distrustful” Saturday. Which meant I had to stay at home. Oh well, at least I got to go out with Yirui in the morning.

    NOPE

    Due to extremely “fucked up sleeping habits” (I’m not even trying to vaunt here, this is a direct quote) I slept at 3AM which led to me waking at 1030. I stayed at home and messaged Yirui, who didn’t seem to mind. (He called me a dumbshit publicly on Facebook a bit later which wasn’t atypical of him, seriously)

    I proceeded to punch my keyboard until 3PM before I remembered it was “let-us-go-and-buy-that-douchebag-a-present-so-that-he’ll-stop-whining-and-being-distrustful” Saturday, so I romped over to the bed et bathrobe to do some maths while listening to music. I ended up unconscious and woke up at 4:30pm which I chided myself for since I went absolute batshit the previous day for not revising.

    So I went cycling because hey, the day’s gone already, might as well make use of the remaining time, right? First thing I noticed was that the bike was surprisingly smooth this time round and I cycled up a hill and almost got hit by cars. I saw a few cool things such as young ladies promoting Off! insect repellent, couples, barbeques, stereotypical people of a certain race camping, more couples, dogs, and did I mention couples yes I did a few times in fact.

    I got bored after cycling to one end of the park so I cycled to the other. When I got bored of that, I stopped, sat in a small pavilion and typed this post on my iPod (which I proceeded to fuck up by closing the app so pretend I wrote this at the park can you)

    This is where I was at:

     

    This is the same photo but with hipster effects because I’m obliged to add them:

    Looks vintagey.

    Ooh, a pomerian

    So I cycled home and met my dad halfway. Along the way I had to swerve into the grass and back on the pavement because there was a crowd who were really silly and decided to walk on the cycling pavement. My bike gave a huge bump which slammed my yahoo onto the saddle which was very traumatising. I think I heard the crowd go “ohhhhhhh” There’s a new cycling route opening tomorrow hmm

    So when I went home I didn’t do any work at all. How silly.

    In all honesty and at the risk of sounding like a bad ending to a chick-flick I would’ve – get a tissue and prepare yourselves– settled for just an entire day out with you guys. Just that. There’s not really anything I’d like to have (aside from a brand-new pencil box, stationery included because I completely LOST THE LAST ONE which I can’t be bothered to go ask around for and something alcoholic so that I can wake up Friday completely hung over and all and maybe) because friendship is magic.

    Gotta Gonna sleep early!

    *PROCEEDS TO PLAY TF2 WITH KANG UNTIL 1AM*

    I think I’ll continue that silly 30 days of writing thing tomorrow.

  • The importance of being modest

    Today I reached home really early, about 5:30-ish, and met my brother on the way up the stairs outside the lift. When I went in laid on the bed and played a bit of Jetpack Joyride (insanely addictive game, really).

    Then I turned over and fell into as deep a sleep as a cadaver.

    Then I proceeded to have a eldritch dream where I faced the mirror and saw that I had long hair and just went “WOAH WHAT THE” and looked away to rub my eyes or something. When I looked back there it became shoulder-length and I went “SHIT CRAP WHAT”. This went on once more until I forgot what happened and woke up.

    So like the hormonally-charged teenager I am, I decided to think about why I did certain things the way I did, instead of doing my homework. Such as being shy around girls and being disapproving of intimate contact between members of the opposite gender.

    I think I base my actions around being modest, which explains a lot. I don’t dare to approach people out of respect for their privacy, I don’t like to talk to girls – even those I know well wink wink ho ho – because I automatically assume they find me disgusting which is a rather shallow assumption. I avoid couples because of this respect for privacy and I’m really just afraid of everything.

    Oh fuck promos in 2 weeks. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

    shortly after typing this I got hooked onto Burrito Bison (http://www.notdoppler.com/burritobison.php), a fantastic flash game with a cutesy premise and Alien Hominid-esque graphics.

    until 3AM.

    fuuuuck

  • I got bored.

    BATHROBES SALKSLW

    MAKES NO SENSE, HUH
    A depiction of myself wading deep within my own insecurities with a bathrobe for company
  • Sie hat was vermisst

    The day went quite shittily because Physics was fucked and Maths was screwed. Then it was the study session which I really looked forward to. Did quite a lot of revision which made me feel good.

    Then Marie, Kenneth and I went over to Starbucks to just talk. For 2.5 hours. Which was rather slow at the start, but became much more relaxed and enjoyable near the end. Revealed some of my fears, had a HTHT which went much better than expected and luckily was understood pretty well. Got drilled a bit about my preferences which I actually liked quite a fair bit 🙁

    Haha, I’m so blessed to have such friends.

    <3 <3 <3 lubbies all of youiex worzzzxxx LOL!!!!

    Even though I have this cut on my finger and this molar that hurts whenever I jump…

    I guess I’m really content and happy for now… I feel appreciated.

    Shit shouldn’t have bought that Espresso. That tiny-ass Espresso which cost so much qwidwjqopdjqp@*#&@#)!!@*(@!

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXfj6US84M8]

    Sie Hat Was Vermisst (What She has Missed)- We Are Scientists

    Ich traf dich an als gebrochenen Mann.
    Das Unfassbare war geschehen.
    Sie hat dich verlassen, du kannst es nicht fassen.
    Und versuchst zu verstehen, denn du hast es nicht kommen gesehen.

    Es ist einfach vorbei, ohne Streit und Geschrei.
    Und du verstehst die Welt nicht mehr…
    Siehst nur deinen Schmerz, dein gebrochenes Herz.
    Und kannst es nicht verstehen, denn du hast es nicht kommen gesehen.

    Sie ist gegangen und ließ dich ratlos zurück.
    Sie ist gegangen und mit ihr ging auch dein Glück.
    Ich kann verstehen, dass du traurig und auch wütend auf sie bist.
    Doch sie ist gegangen, denn sie hat was vermisst.

    Du hast ihr vertraut, hast immer auf sie gebaut
    Du wusstest, was sie anpackt, wird gut.
    So hat sie sich entfernt, sie wurde kastig wie Bernd.
    Es wurde still um euch zwei, darum hörtest du nicht ihren Schrei.

    Sie ist gegangen und ließ dich ratlos zurück.
    Sie ist gegangen und mit ihr ging auch dein Glück.
    Ich kann verstehen, dass du traurig und auch wütend auf sie bist.
    Doch sie ist gegangen, denn sie hat was vermisst.

    Sie ist gegangen und ließ dich ratlos zurück (und ließ dich ratlos zurück).
    Sie ist gegangen und mit ihr ging all dein Glück (und mit ihr ging all dein Glück).
    Denk noch einmal darüber nach, auch wenn du wütend auf sie bist.
    Sie ist gegangen, denn sie hat dich vermisst.

    Ja, sie ist gegangen, denn sie hat dich vermisst.
    Hat dich vermisst.
    Hat dich vermisst.

    I have no idea what any of that means

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  • Shit.

    I’m being hit by yet another paranoia attack. It gets more depressing the more I dwell on it and my poor weak heart starts aching in that “bad feeling” kind of way.

    Wrapped up in the good ol’ bathrobe now which is comforting me a bit (I can see it being a very good friend of mine in the future) and punctuating the horrible feelings with a nap on the bus, dinner, book reads and net browsing.

    I really wish I didn’t doubt my friends all that much, but the way things are going leaves a lot to the imagination.

    I need to talk to someone 🙁 I’d do it myself but I’d sound too clingy and distrustful (which I probably am)

    Fuck. I’ve gotta start trusting others a lot more now.

    And I need to man up too.

    I’ve got my bathrobe to help me through this.

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4s27wEid2PQ]

  • Protected: Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street.

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