Category: Basically pessimistic

  • Post-Thailand

    Post-Thailand

    [18 Nov 2015]
    I’m alone in the house, awaiting a package which I lamely arranged to be sent today, despite the fact that I was supposed to head out with a few friends for lunch.

    I miss Thailand.

    Usually, long times spent cooped up with dozens of other guys would result in both homesickness and arguments; neither of which actually happened.

    The weather decided to introduce itself with 3 days of intermittent showers, most times lasting no more than a few minutes, but with once lasting way into the night like the white noise of radio silence.

    My bunk, on the second floor, was a 50-metre long corridor split into 3 sections through the long-side: beds and lockers both on the left and right and an empty passageway through the middle, which were all shared by either 72 men or 100 men which the doors on both sides claimed in conflict.

    Much like in Jurong, I took pride in waking up the first every morning, setting my alarm (John Cena’s “The Time Is Now”) 10 minutes before the reveille timing so that I could pop down to the toilet (a separate block from the bunks), have my teeth brushed and face washed, come back up and turn the lights on to wake everyone else up. Every time I woke up, I’d look down the long aisle to see at least 31 other cadavers, still against cool fluorescent glow of the toilet block’s lights.

    The first couple of days were spent in denial / recuperating / doing stores, also termed as the admin phase (gonna steal Chin Ying’s terminology)

    [2 Jan 2015]
    People were adjusting to the new lifestyle of having to hand-wash clothes, and missing the canteen which had the most fantastic of food (which would numb our desire for canteen food in Jurong Camp months later). I say “missing” as the commanders erroneously allowed everyone to spend much of the first afternoon in the canteen purchasing a SIM card, which meant that everyone gorged themselves silly on wondrous Thai food and drinks.

    Me? I sat alone, benumbed by the thought of those I respected smoking and whilst gulping down Iced Cappuccino in a daze. This would be a trend for the next few times we visited the canteen.

    name tag
    Had a name tag made for my brother

    There were 2 brands of SIM card, TrueMove and AIS. Ray Yan, who’d arrived at Sai Yok Camp a week before, told me to purchase TrueMove as he was using AIS which was slower than molasses flowing uphill in January. I had to ask him several times about this due to my numbness and magical ability that day to lose all concentration once he mentioned the third word in any sentence (sorry).

    Unfortunately, as I would find out later, everyone who just arrived had bought TrueMove which meant that AIS was freed from its shackles and TrueMove became the new dial-up modem of this camp. Whatsapp messages took 2 minutes to transmit, media took 2 hours and Instagram was a luxury for those whom were willing to wake up at 2AM to browse it.

    Beyond the first couple of days were preparations; stores had to be moved, sandbags were to be filled and…

    Ah, whatever I’d say would be kind of pointless seeing how nobody really cares and that I’ve written it down mostly in my little Moleskine.

    image

    This picture’s of a checkpoint we journeyed by on the fourth day as part of a navigation exercise. The locals were friendly and the food (coconut ice cream and Pad Thai) was ephemeral. There was a point where we set off from a checkpoint and bashed through a forest, a river (which I fell into, obviously) and at least 2 farm plots before reaching the original checkpoint again. Fond memories.

    Every night when we returned to our bunks after dinner (excellent, by the way), we would find quite a few flying bugs on our beds which became a non-issue by pretty much the second night.

    There was a night where I laid on my bed and watched Perks of Being a Wallflower which was a huge stress relief and made me feel empty for ages afterwards. It was raining, and the breeze tickled my toes.

    Beyond the admin phase was the training phase which condensed all we had learnt into 3 days of retraining.

    There was 1 final day of “recovery”, which meant doing stores for the whole damn day (imagine winding up 300m worth of wire 12 times). I got to go with the tonner to the vehicle sheds to attach a trailer, which is more fun than it sounds. I also got to play with puppies!

    Then came the actual exercise.

    Deployment was done in an open field. I nearly suffered from a heat stroke, kids ran about selling drinks to us and life went on.

    The rest was interesting as it was mostly detached from what we had learnt from the past 1 year or so of being Combat Engineers. I don’t think I’m allowed to say much on a public platform as this but… let’s just say the other platoons did what they were supposed to do and we were allocated all the explosive tasks.

    I remember sitting alone at the base of Eagle Hill, under the glorious full moon, fiddling with wires and blocks of explosives and tossing bamboo leaves all over as camoflauge.

    I slept on the grassy ground near the detonators and woke up to a crimson sky and birdsong. From the utility pouch of my vest, I retrieved some biscuits and started munching them, amusedly being reminded of a scene in Fury. (As I always do in my usual dreamy state, I associate cool movies with what I do in life)

    Later on, the explosives went off without a hitch and the shockwaves were an odd relief, like a bugle that indicated that all was over and I could relax.

    After the final detonation of another charge 2 days later, I wrote a quote from Fury on the walls of the bomb shelter: “A man is only as strong as the man beside him.”

    I like to think that it’s gonna inspire someone in the future, at least more than the 300 ‘ORD LO’ messages scratched around the bunker as well.

    When it all ended, heat rashes merely prickled my skin and we spent an afternoon dragging stores back to the containers and cleaning ourselves up.

    The next 2 days were simply packing what was left and drinking ourselves silly in the evenings.

    The final day was spent waiting 3 hours at our void deck with our duffle bags for the buses to arrive, going to the JEATH war museum and going to the airport.

    Before we got on the plane back, I had dinner with my #ULTIMATEFANS friends at the airport; an all-day breakfast, which included a cup of coffee, milk, orange juice and a plate of bacon, salad, bread and eggs, together with a mug of Singha. This meant that I had 4 cups of drink and a table full of mockery. Who cares, I got tipsy for the third night running.

    On the plane, I got a playful punch on the arm, and I smiled for the last time in Thailand.


    [29 Jan 2015]
    There’s much that I’ve left out, about the smokes and the scorn and the but my mood isn’t like that right now.

    33 days to ORD and I’m weirdly not looking forward to it…

  • Still Clueless

    I haven’t written anything on this thing for some time. I spent the last 10 minutes thinking of how to explain why, but it’s pointless so never mind.

    The New Year! 2014 was supposed to be promising. But it’s been bleak. Plenty of introspective journeys while doing absolutely boring things, ranging from MRT rides to spacing out during conflicts. I’ve worked hard last year for damned weeks and yet others with more “prominent” achievements get recognised. Result? I’ve become an absolute slob. A shortcut-seeking sod looking for an exit for everything I’ve been doing. I’ve become an elitist who downplays the achievements of others whenever convenient. I’ve become one real hot-headed douche who cares not about others. Swears flow, excuses are made, tempers rise. I’m bloody damned aware that I’ve become worse and I’m bloody damned aware that I won’t give a rat’s ass in the future, but I’m a worse person so to speak. Can’t allow that to happen. I’m working on it.

    Chinese New Year! I am no longer in need of convincing that I cannot hold my liquor. A single shot is too much.

    Next. They’ve made me do something about my fitness. I run and do statics whenever they want me to. Fair enough! I’m losing weight slowly again; hope I can find the strength I used to have back in J1.

    I’m learning more about myself. I hope I’m wrong about some things.

    holy fuck I’m gonna be 20 this year. DAMN IM OLD

    Also, I’ve become happier ever since entering this goddamn hellhole where everyone’s a weird-ass mofo, (myself included so the part above where I said I’m elitist doesn’t apply here) which in all honesty scares me to shit. Perhaps the complete change in environment makes it easier to distance myself from all the sadness I’ve used to have. It’s making me much more brutish though (I’m talking throwing cement-grade biscuits at people’s faces out of pure anger), which I definitely detest about myself.

    Finally, I think it’s time to revamp my about-me and maybe even the whole concept of this blog altogether. I’m interested in Web design again, but it’s a little daunting. I should start with a website. Man, in retrospect, my design skills sucked.

    Maybe I’ll write something more fluent next time when it’s not 1:35am.

    *Note: the above post may have sounded super vague, but I’m trying to not mention anything specific about my “job” now. Don’t want to think about it.

  • Near Miss

    Sometimes I get this feeling that, well, everything is dandy and fine, because I forget and I forget the reasons why things plague me.

    2 days ago, I met a fairly close friend of mine at the bus stop below my block, where I found him smoking a stick in a bid to prove to himself -and me- that he was in such a deep pickle that it was absolutely necessary to light up (again) to solve his problems.

    I considered calling him a dumbass and leaving right there and then… until he lifted his sleeves. The cuts on his arms dug into my mind, and I mentally slapped myself for being a callous prick; the kind which I would call all the guys around me, the self-absorbed men I swore to never become, the kind which I prided myself to not be.

    I told him to get help, the kind I never got, and replied in a frustration… a frustration that I had sensed from those trying to help my pessimistic self. I’m sorry and I really am.

    Things change, my friends, and I’m nearly giving up… it’s too much damned work to keep anything the same any more, and I can find my wide-eyed hopefulness slipping through my fingers like the finest of sand.

    But I’m too good for that, I tell myself. The days still pass, and I try to remind myself that “being myself” is simply… a matter of being the best me I can be.

  • Inane

    It really worries me that my present outlook on the oncoming A’s is one of aloofness. I haven’t been truly stressed over an exam since secondary 2, and I’m regretting it.
    I’ve mentioned this a few times, that I’m actually worried that I’m not worried.
    I’m sure that I’ve done pretty fucking badly for some of the exams that have passed already, and although there have been reports on people jokingly praying to the “Bell Curve Deity”, I’ve been increasingly hopeful that, well, this curve actually works in my favour. (Although I do believe/hope there’s a Big Man Upstairs)
    My main problem, that I cannot ever fix, I have no idea how to write my answers fast enough. My lack of speed has already affected my GP and Econs and I have been asking everyone “how do you write faster?” Only to hear “just write” like some pseudo-cryptic oracle whose words can propel me tp victory. What do you think I’m doing with a pen in my hand? Daydreaming? (Well shit I think I was)
    I seem to have lost most of my motivation already; I just don’t know if the rest will be as disastrous as the first few.
    Alright don’t flip your shit just yet- I know that “it’s just a sheet of paper” and I “have many options left”. It’s just that society has groomed my preferences this special way, and I can’t help but scowl at my impending, bleak future.
    I’m looking towards graphic designing, and I hope its qualifications are as lax as the arts are. It’s a tough market out there though.
    I don’t want to be the guy rotting my tits off slaving at a desk (or counter) whilst all my friends toss their mortarboards on their graduation days.
    I don’t want to be the dad who has to tell his children to study hard and not become such a miserable, abject failure like he was.
    I don’t want to be afraid of returning to class reunions because I fucked my life up.
    Basically, I don’t want to lose face, and it’s pretty terrible that I can’t do anything about it just because, well, I didn’t bother to train myself to write faster. Regrets, oh the regrets.
    On the intense, 122-caldera-bright side, I haven’t encountered anything I didn’t know how to answer.
    That means I’m smart… right?
    Gah I really don’t know what to do with myself

  • Better run like hell.

    Most of the time, you’re going to be spending your time fawning over people who do not care, while unwittingly shrugging off those who actually matter.

    It’s generally impossible to be well-liked everywhere. A vicious, vicious cycle of nonplussedness and snobbery, where your opinions don’t matter and shit gets unreal from time to time. I don’t even feel comfortable with the way anything is going now.

    Screwing up my tests, feeling like dirt half the time. Being lonely, realising that no one really wants to be in my company, being shunned and mocked and belittled. The little things that chip away at your ego and remind you that you’re not so different from the people everyone is making fun of. Not that I was ever a popular person in the first place. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just my pessimism speaking for me.

    A few days ago my semi-unsober self wrote that “I should really think of myself in terms of the world and not the world in terms of myself”. It’s a lie, of course. Lying to yourself doesn’t change anything. A whole lot of escapism isn’t doing yourself any good.

    What’s the point in wishing well upon others when I feel shittier every time I do so anyway?

    Man up, if I let this get to me I’ll ruin myself for sure, and I’m pretty sure I already have.

    it’s only going to get worse.