Category: General

Economics was done well enough I guess, at least I wrote 2/3s of a) and 1/3 of b). I might get an S this is so exciting.

“If you always seem to have drama in your life, you are probably the one causing the drama.” – Anonymous Redditor

Dayum.

I’m developing the habit of ignoring people if they spout bullshit. I feel like a battle-worn veteran already how am I supposed to survive the rest of it without hanging myself argh.

Spent the whole day gaming and I’ll sleep early for once, thanks.

Recently I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a story. Not necessarily a fictional one- an autobiography perhaps. I’ve even come up with a name for a fictional representation of myself, a guy with the Scottish name of Snum McTally, which could be an anagram of a phrase meaning “my petite quim”.

I’ve been egregiously cranky today; even more so than before. I had a certain contempt for everything and everyone, not unlike the Monday blues, except that today (yesterday) was Wednesday, not Monday. It’s that kind of crankiness that emanates from he who obviously lacks sleep. Don’t blame me for living in Pasir Ris, I’ve raised this matter to my parents who keep dismissing it as some wild dream I had again. Sooner or later I might just pull off a Josh and sleep in-campus or something. Imagine that! Sleeping at 12MN and waking at 7! Eh, forget it.

Before Physics, we entered the classroom with 3 girls and a guy in PE uniform who were ready to leave. Being the huge cranky thick-skulled nimrod I was, I went forth and complained rather audibly about the smell in the room (although if I remember correctly it was aimed at the guy because I had this feeling that girls didn’t have B.O.) Afterwards, Mr Tan was rather disapproving of my lack of chivalry.

“Didn’t they teach you anything in High School?” “To hold your breath and announce that the room smelt like testicles” (Something to that effect, but politer at least)

I became crankier after that, partially due to hatred at my unthinking and my annoyance at that person in my class who both smelt like ^&*( and treated me like a damned $%^#. YES, THAT ONE AGAIN. For the fun of it, I’ve started to count the number of unprovoked insults/assaults he’s aimed towards me, but occasionally I can’t stop myself from uttering a vicious insult back at him. It’s gormless tossers like these which make me HATE school.

There’s an Economics lecture test tomorrow. I’m not exactly sure if it’s the fatalistic confidence that I know “absolutely everything about Fiscal, Monetary and Supply-side Policies or if it’s the resignation to my fate, but I can safely say that I didn’t study enough. Instead, I spent my time wisely by rifling through intangible memorabilia such as chat logs, emails and blog posts. I came to realise that I didn’t enjoy Silicon Valley as much as I should’ve, and that’s a real pity. I still miss late-night chats too.

I’m sorry for my wordy rant, but I’ve resolved to write less like an idiot and more like an educated idiot. Damn, girls are such fantastic bloggers.

Every time I see all them leaders, performers, dance I/Cs, teachers etc I always think: what are these people like in real life? They can’t possibly be shouting/juggling/dancing/teaching 24/7, can they? What are their personalities like? How do they spend their weekends? Is that stern face of theirs simply a facade?
Same goes for people with blogs. In real life, you see them all bright and cheery, but onto WordPress/Tumblr/Twitter/any bloody virtual platform you go and bam, you start doubting if this sad/raging/annoying person is actually the same person you’ve met just hours ago. You wish that you could know them even better.
But some of my friends, even the closest ones, lock their hearts up in passworded posts and vague commentaries, to the point where I sit at my desk, flabbergasted at the fact that I am unable to help a close friend and that I’m not a close enough friend to act as a confidant…
I would know, I’m guilty of that too, and I always reply, “it’s a long story” when asked about something I wrote. Of course, I’m not hinting at or attacking anyone’s way of thinking. I doubt I’m even that close to anyone. It’s perfectly fine to keep some things private. Some things are better left unsaid, to avoid offending or hurting someone else.
But this privacy and layer of mystery only serves to tell me that there’s still a lot to learn about these friends of mine, that there’s always something new about them that I’ll find absolutely fascinating.
I love to help others with their worries (I do it a lot myself anyway) and I’m just waiting for people to drop me a line for any issue they’d want help with.
Once again, I’m not targeting anyone, I just had this topic on my mind for a while.
Maybe, maybe one day before we inevitably drift apart can I get to fully gain their trust.
Maybe I should be a psychiatrist in the future!
Well, just a little food for thought.

Was pretty depressed until Saturday when I went to the National Library to do PW. Managed to sit on my ass for 8 hours just doing my EoM, which was a pretty impressive feat! I was all stonefaced and dying when I got an email which brightened my day (afternoon really) So I’m not sad anymore! 😀

Today. Went to the temple, waved joss sticks around for a bit. Went to eat with my family, felt happy. Went home, stoned at the computer.

Damn, Chinese test tomorrow 🙁

I don’t know why but I’m not happy today. Had a lot of laughs and smiles but I don’t feel more appreciative of my class, nor am I grinning like an idiot on the ride home. Just plain old stonefaced apathy. I’m thanking people via SMS and stuff but I just don’t really mean what I’ve said.

Spent time after Math to make the Teacher’s Day video as a class. Lixian wanted me to do it but someone else did it of his own accord. Without prompting or prior notice. Was rather miffed until I realised I don’t give a flying shit about whether he got extra reputation or fame. I would’ve done a shit job anyway, so I’m glad someone else is being shit in my place. Thanks a lot. I know you love yourself a lot, just leave me alone and I’ll be fine. I love myself too, just that I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

We played pool for GEMS from 5-7. Surprised at how adept i was at knocking striped/solid balls into other striped/solid balls. Joy marred by SOMEONE’s derisive insults (but at least I didn’t pocket the fucking 8-ball which was honestly rather silly of you).

Then we headed to Rachel’s resort  chalet house, and went over to nearby food courts to order takeaways. Wasn’t too happy because my black pepper hor fun somehow turned into their signature one (I think they mistook my order, which was why it doubled in price and the final price being $5 more than calculated).

Then we went in to do stuff. Won twice in Asshole Daidi, everyone shouted at Bryan to stop trying to mess with the electronic piano. I stopped playing cards because they started playing bridge which I was honestly terrible at. Ate durian strudel. Left at 10:45. Was unhappy because guess what, bus-taking at midnight isn’t a cause for celebration. I felt rather distant from them as well, like going to a party with people you didn’t really know all that well and having to stay with guys who keep throwing insults (I know some of them are jesting but gah) in your direction. Also some person who keeps undermining, insulting and being disgusting towards you despite how you try not to point out how he can’t brisk walk without running short of breath.

No, that is not how you treat your “friends”, you can’t expect to make them happy after you act cute towards/repeatedly scoff at/make sarcastic remarks at them the whole damn time. Yes! You’re fucking rich and generous! I appreciate it! Now if only you’d treat me as something other than a mentally handicapped peasant. And don’t try to make up for it by being annoying on purpose. It might not seem like much but trust me, my patience for you is wearing thin. I don’t even know if I can take you seriously now. What’s worse is that everyone’s on your damn side.

Sigh, it’s taking a lot for me to feel glad now. I’m too used to going home with a smile on my face and now I’m just getting very tired of life. (But Rachel was a great and fantastically bubbly host, while Lixian did a great job organising everything; great job, girls!)

YES I should be more tolerant YES I should look past their negatives YES I should be less paranoid and be more outgoing YES I should expect less niceness from them BUT I just can’t get over how tiring it is to even stay in existence, to slog through every day with heavy footsteps, living with a morbidly acute tendency to get offended and knowing and fearing that I will face such shit the next day.

I’m not contemplating suicide; I’m a rational dickpussy who’s afraid of the pain. I’m just addicted to being recognised and having my presence appreciated. My ego yearns to be fed, but I’m not even asking for much. I just need someone to listen to whatever I want to say, to ask questions like how I do, to give a flying fuck about my existence. Maybe some people have always been there, in the shadows, and I’m too thick to realise it.

Sometimes after you’ve gained opinions about others, you can’t really see them in the same light any more. Their words may sound malicious or genuine; their opinions insignificant or important; their actions attention-seeking or hilarious- it’s such a pity that I judge easily. Sometimes I’m thankful that I’m fickle and change opinions easily. Saves me more unhappiness than being strong-willed.

What’s the point of writing all this anyway. No one can help me with this shit, and I’ll have to face it all myself. My eyes are freaking tired. I better go sleep now.

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight;
it’s the size of the fight in the dog” – Mark Twain

Went to the CUBE prize presentation with Kenneth and Marie today! We headed down to the URA Centre after school where we saw that HCJC won first prize! It was so crowded that we shrugged and decided to leave immediately.

We ended up going to The Soup Spoon at the Tanjong Pagar MRT to chat and talk about stuff although Kenneth was doing most of the talking which gave us little chance to say anything (not like we had anything to say anyway so it was ok). We chatted till it was 6 and I gave the most gormless idea of walking to Raffles Place MRT. Marie and Kenneth agreed and we marched down the road somewhat uncertainly while I marvelled at the towering skyscrapers. The way we followed the workers down the street reminded me of some detention camp where throngs of prisoners make their way to the jail or something.

I guess this somewhat constitutes as the CBD walk I wanted! It wasn’t satisfying enough though, because we were heading home via the MRT. But I’m glad Marie pointed it out and well, it’s more of a motivation to keep on living or something 🙂 I think I want to walk along the river instead.

We ended with this awkward back-pat/half-hug at the foyer of the station… I originally wanted to give some shoulder pat but I reached too far and it became some kind of back-pat and I had to turn sideways so that it didn’t become some kind of hug which would’ve become rather awkward in public :C

Kenneth did the same side shoulder-comfort patting thing too and we took the train together while Marie went down the other side.

Kenneth and I had this discussion on the MRT about the current Art Club ExCo. I got the idea that the current ExCo wasn’t capable enough as compared. The ExCo consisted of every “non-clique” member of the comic wing (except for Eiros), which were coincedentally all girls too (except for Eiros), like the previous ExCo. But I have to admit that because only Kang, Eiros and I went and applied to be ExCo members. I was super unconfident and incapable while Kang had Wushu and couldn’t do much for the club although he would’ve been a great chairman. So it’s not biased at all wowowow. I’m not sore or anything but jeez it seems like Art Club is only fun for the people within the “clique” and it’s rather worrying that everyone’s so segregated.

Why am I always so worried for the well-being of others but not my own. Ack.

–

NVM WE ARE SCIENTISTS ARE HERE TO BRIGHTEN MY NIGHT

I play this song every time I walk home because it reminds me that time with my friends is super-duper precious <3

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XXfqPRG4TQ]

After Hours – We Are Scientists

This door is always open,
This door is always open,
No one has the guts to shut us out.
But if we have to go now,
I guess there’s always hope that,
Some place will be serving after hours.

This night is winding down but
Time means nothing,
As always at this hour
Time means nothing,
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay

We’re finally drunk enough that,
We’re finally soaking up,
The hours that everyone else throws away.
And if we have to go now,
I guess there’s always hope,
Tomorrow night will be more of the same.

This night is winding down but
Time means nothing,
As always at this hour
Time means nothing,
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay.

We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
(Time means nothing)
We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
(Time means nothing)

This door is always open,
This door is always open,
No one has the guts to shut us out.
No one has the guts to shut us out.

Time means nothing,
Time means nothing,
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay.

Bah I just ate something during lunch and that was it. Maddeningly small appetite. COULD IT BE ANOREXIA O GOD

Could be attributed to the novella-worthy list of annoyance and worries I have had recently. It’s obvious that it’s time to let go and to move on, but I just… can’t. I’m accustomed to living in the past and even though I tell others to move on, I can’t do so myself. I just need the strength to do so.

Woke up at the extremely ungodly hour of 2pm (yesterday) but I thought it was 11am. It really sucks when you wake up and the first thing you mumble is “what the ffffuuccckk” when you see the clock.

My appetite has become appalingly small too. I only ate a bowl of instant noodles for the whole of today (yesterday).

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I made some different choices in life in the first place. Would I have less worries? Would I be content? Would I be still so damned overweight? I wouldn’t know. I don’t know if it’s something to be glad about either.

Gah didn’t finish writing all of that last night.

Had a tiny “scuffle” last night. As usual it was full of resentment. But this time I stuck by my convictions, that absolutely nothing was wrong with being sarcastic. He said that my personality had changed in a really short time, and although I was quick to dismiss it, I could tell there was truth in that harsh statement.

Why do little things like this worry me so much when there’s a bloody math test tomorrow 🙁