Category: General

When I sat in front of the desktop at midnight yesterday, I just stared at the wallpaper blankly and realised that I had no idea what I was doing before the computer. For the first time in months, I had no more companion to chat with, but at the same time no more emotional pittances and no more worries and no more reasons to be sad. I slept soundly for once.

Argh I get way too possessive over my closer friends. I get envious when they go out with others and I get unhappy when others talk to them (rarely) and and and I’m pretty pathetic really! But then at the same time I’m too timid to comment on their stuff BLAH I’M NOT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT when will I learn to disregard such unimportant things 🙁

At the same time there are really disrespectful people around me who I don’t really want to be with. I know I tend to insult sometimes but it’s only because you’re so darn demeaning and pompous, insulting my intelligence and appearance every other sentence you speak. What’s worse is that you’re so bloody annoying and you know it. You’re just doing that to get my attention and even though you might think it’s effective IT’S NOT. I’m already at the end of my tether okay. The dinner today was fun and all but all I felt was resentment until I left. If you don’t want me to be rude to you then DON’T BE RUDE TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I have my own limits and it doesn’t take much for me to be perpetually pissed. Bloody annoying.

And so I reckon this post will cause another person to go into depression boo hoo GET A BLOODY LIFE. JUST just stop being annoying. For once. And let us coexist peacefully without insults and the like. Then maybe I’ll try to look past all your negatives.

On an unrelated note I need anger management courses.

Oh I found the warranty for the earphones I broke a few weeks back. I hope I can get a new pair for free!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GaFD9SeA0]

Had this major bout of depression in the past few days, but the outing yesterday really made me much happier than before.

There’s something special about hanging out on the roof of the Esplanade and watching random laser shows from across the river while talking about life and such. Sure, it’s not the CBD, but it’s the closest damn thing we’ve been to that and it’s a wonderful place to be. Looking forward to Saturday!

If you’re feeling overburdened, just give yourself some time to adjust. Everyone’s rooting for that happy ending of yours!

“If you want to feel secure, do what you already know.
But if you want to grow, go to the cutting edge of your competence,
which means a temporary loss of security.
So, whenever you don’t quite know what you’re doing, know that you’re growing.” – Mark Twain

I’m okay now 🙂

I had this great sense of despair all of a sudden and I do not know why… My Project Work group’s utterly fucked and my Chinese is fucking shit; I need to talk to someone about this but I don’t want to annoy anyone for no rhyme or reason; I’m shivering in my seat although I’m sweating like mad; my heart is wrenching itself in my chest.

I’m afraid. Afraid that I’m already annoying people with these minuscule pittances. Afraid that people are making use of my insecurities. Afraid of back-biters. Afraid of being made use of. Afraid of being a total tool in this “plan” of his.

I don’t know if I can trust anyone any more.

Went to yuchuan’s house after national day celebrations which was crunk. Met up with Grace since she lives in the same condo which was really surprising 😮

We were originally there to exercise/play pool/play tennis but we got lazy/billards room was booked/it was sweltering so we didn’t and ended up in yuchuan’s bedroom relaxing. Kang, marie and yuchuan were playing games on their computers while I was tossing about the bed listening to Grace play a variety of pop/chinese songs on the piano.

Once again, it was rather idylic to stay in a half-conscious state, listening to the keys of the piano plink together melodiously, the soft hum emanating from the laptops and the occasional swears from the gamers.

How I wish I could play the piano.

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Heard quite a few opinions about twitter and facebook status updates influencing the current generation and making them less propense to post on “macroblogging” services.

If anything, I think these platforms have made me much more keen to post lengthy posts on this blog. Of course, there are other influences too! (but I do feel dumb for writing based on a topic gah) I get fed up because of how silly telling everyone that you’re going to piss sounds.

So I decided that if anyone wanted to write about their lives, they should do it with pride and honour and at least 200 words.

[I got distracted and lost track of what I was going to say here]

I spent the entire day with my math homework under my external keyboard so I didn’t manage to do anything.

Time to review the list of “commitments”

1. SL Project [5 times in 5 months]
2. THAT project [NOTHING DONE]
3. HnF [ROUTINE]
4. ECQuad [DROPPED]
5. Chinese [LOUSY]
6. Schoolwork [STRUGGLING]
7. See² [DIDN’T DO MUCH]
8. Treasurer duties [NEGLECTING]

I’ve had this strange of bout of depression lately. I feel… unwanted. I know this is not the case but sigh I wish people would treat me with as much respect as I respect them.

Not that anyone treats me without respect, but I really do want someone to make me feel as if I’m important enough, that someone wants me to exist or else he/she would be very sad because I didn’t exist.

I want a friend who would ask me out (;_;) and would consult me for HTH talks and would listen and laugh to whatever I have to say, maybe go spastic around and have a lot of fun with and would go for long walks around the CBD with me. We would take turns to talk and maybe call each other cunts for the fun of it and playfully punch each other on the forearm and meet up often and sit in secluded places while hugging our knees and rocking back and forth discussing and gossiping and laughing and taking all the time in the world.

I WANT A CLOSE UNDERSTANDING SIMILAR-INTERESTED NON-BESOTTED RESPECTFUL CARING CALM WILLING-TO-LISTEN FUN FANTASTIC MOTIVATIONAL HUMBLE FRIEND THAT’S ALL. MY GOD IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. (IF YOU’RE A GIRL ALL THE BETTER I’M SO DESPERATE 🙁 )

I want people to read my blog but I’m too humble (how ironic) to go promote it. I don’t even know who reads this any more blah.

THAT WAS A SHORT-LIVED RANT OF THE HIDDEN, VIRTUALLY NON-EXISTENT EGO OF MINE

I’m relieved that I’m not the sole cause for that problem. I did despair about it for a week, but I’m relieved that now a few of us share the blame. Warped thinking, I know! I should be less susceptible to guilt-tripping blah.

Haha, how can toilet paper orientation be such an important topic to deserve a Wikipedia article? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet_paper_orientation

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Woke up at 11am because I could and my mom alerted me to the presence of spaghetti in the kitchen. Stuffed myself full with that whole lump of noodles bah.

I stoned at the computer and occasionally picked up the guitar to attempt to learn the lazy song by Bruno Mars. I didn’t. BLAH.

Neither did I do my work. BLAH BLAH.

At 2:30pm I remembered that I had to go for a study date with marie kang and yuchuan so I tried to look for my ticket to heartstrings which we were going to go for after studying. I even emptied all 7 kgs of my school bag to look for it but to no avail. The amount of shredded paper from within the bag was horrenous D:

But noooooooo I had to leave it in my uniform which went into the wash and the ticket was completely and utterly disintegrated. That sucked but I was lazy to go out anyway. I didn’t feel all that sad about being left out though.

I ended up lying on the bed next to my mom and whining at her about life. She seemed a bit amused and said that I looked handsome which is either complete bull or made me very happy.

That made time for me to visit the Reach Cambridge peeps at the airport. Mostly talked to sean, kerry and Dr Ang, but nothing much happened after that. A lot of people said I slimmed down and I was happy. Then I took a solitary bus journey home.

Just finished reading The Judas Strain after a week! (forgive me, I spent the last week reading a few pages at a time and finally reading half of the 600+ pages today) James Rollin is really good at describing locations wow.

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To celebrate Yuchuan’s birthday, we went out to “tea party” which was this pretty extravagant and overpriced board-game cafe. I didn’t have much fun because it was Derek’s “idea of an all-guys outing” and only guys went which meant it was very rough and a bit gay. Although I laughed a lot, Strahan treated us to pizza and we played around a bit, I could sense a bit of tension in the air and it was rather uncomfortable.

On the way back I was thinking.

Mostly because I was talking to Chor Hian and that afterwords I was sitting opposite a lovey-dovey couple. The only reason why I was sitting opposite a lovey-dovey couple is because I was on one of the newest lousily-designed buses with a pitiful amount of seats and every alternate pair facing backwards. And the best place to think about stuff would be opposite a lovey-dovey couple because when you’re opposite a lovey-dovey couple you tend to look away from their happy moment awkwardly and think about other things. Also because I was listening to We Are Scientists.

I was thinking that I wanted to do something with my life. Something that isn’t totally about computing. Because I’m sick and tired of computing. But I’m stuck with it so that sucks.

I don’t need or want to be popular.

I want to be respected for once, to be a role model or something for once, for someone to think that I’m so awesome or something that he/she reads my blog and attempt to copy my style which is mostly what I do oops

For someone to make me feel wanted, for a reason to exist, for a group of BFFs, for friends I’d like to be together with to the very end and for friends who I’d really care about (do I already have them?).

That would work. I really need an ego boost.

But until I manage to increase my willpower and manage to work hard to be talented at something… that’ll have to be the way the cookie crumbles.

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