Casa De Shao

Category: I am clearly not thinking properly

  • In a Name

    In a Name

    White Clan Self Administration Region, Dali, China

    I cried twice this trip.

    At the beautiful age of 25.

    One of them, I sat on a more-form-than -function bench in a Chinese megamall and tearfully told my brother how his apparent anger was not his and was learned from dad. And the other, was when after a brief altercation, he told me that the other relatives on the trip thought I was lazy. I’d declare, dramatically, “I hate family”, before walking off to stifle my tears.

    There’s a saying that when a child cries, it’s because this child is in one of the worst situations that they had ever experienced.

    Somehow, I have a really concerning issue with being disliked on overseas trips. After Europe, Taiwan, Ipoh and Dali, I’ve managed to triangulate all the issues into that one.

    It’s really not about being alone that bothers me. Orlando was fantastic. I was thrown into fuck up after fuck up during that trip to catch The Black Keys, and I came out of it not even shaken, but exhilarated at my ability to handle a cluster fuck thrown my way.

    A silver lining about this is that now I know that I am capable of handling situations calmly and independently. The bad side is that I have to work on my courage to be disliked.

    Despite all this, I always find something to miss about these trips. It’s always a small detail. The absinthe from Taiwan. Balcony cigs at Ipoh. Wearing a scarf in Dali. That kind of thing.

    One thing that surprised me about China is-

    Well, you know how Americans always whinge about how China is everywhere in America?

    America is everywhere in China as well. Signs, Jeep, brands, English signs.

    Everyone is trying to be everyone else.

    How the fuck do I get over you? This is all going to be sappy. This is my blog. Judge me not, I am very self aware.

    In this length of 11 days, not seeing or interacting with you has reduced you to an amorphous blob of values, of which I can’t even pinpoint. I can’t even visualise what I am yearning for.

    In this daydream, you are shapeless. You are just a title. You are Her. And Her is in a medium, that medium is you.

    God damn, I fucking want you. I fucking want you to fucking want me.

    Every time you say you’re gonna do something, with your beautiful enthusiasm for life, I want to sign up for it too. Just to spend time with you. That’s stupid gross. I don’t usually want to… do things at all.

    I sometimes daydream of you. Holding my hand and us walking through flower fields together. I shit you not, that’s my idea of a relationship. It’s overromaticised, which means it’s unrealistic, which means I really don’t want to be thinking about this, because that’s unrealistic.

    I’m a kinda tall person. When you stand close and peer upwards at me like a kitten saying “what should we do next”, I just wanna end my life there and then.

    When you hang out with other guys, I get jealous. I hate it. Both you hanging out with other guys and me getting jealous for you hanging out with other guys. The latter reminds me that I’d be a lousy boyfriend. A jealous boyfriend. And you will leave me. Which is a lame and weird heartbreak, because it’s like breaking up with a goddess, a mother, a sex doll.

    I think the next word of the month is going to be Jealousy. Or Ownership.

    Anyway, my therapist has been on medical leave for the later half of October and the whole of November. I’m gonna get so much bang for my fuckin’ buck if she’s not comatose by now.

    I hear it’s rainy back in Singapore. Hopefully that will ease everything.

  • Bump-in; Mannequins

    I’m losing my grip on the mystic art of stage managering; finding a 200 dollar shoe cabinet’s receipt and literally dropping a mannequin and smashing a hole in its head right after paying for it.

    A friend told me with a concerned look, “I hate you for being a terrible stage manager, but it’s not your fault.” I blushed at the aptness of the description and proceeded to stumble over everything in the bump-in, holding the words dear. Humility, yes, but mostly discomfort at… at how dare my lack of experience endanger everyone’s enthusiasm and blood for Stage.

    “Are you okay?” multiple people asked.  With a grimace betraying my joke, I shimmied into the space below the sink to hear my heart pound my head, asking if all was for nought.

  • Epilogue II – NS

    Epilogue II – NS

    Countries Visited: 7 – United Kingdom, France, Belgium, The Netherlands, Germany, Taiwan

    Steam Games Purchased: 14
    Books Read: 4 (probably)
    Laptop: Surface Pro 4

    NS-Friend-Meetups: ~12
    Weight Gained: 8kg
    Jobs Held: 1

    Club Visits: 2
    Alcohol Consumed: ~5L
    Parties Attended: 4

    Runtastic Activities Started: 111 Activities (1 Activity every 3.3 Days)
    IPPT Standard: Silver -> Fail

    Friends Made: ~200
    Modules Taken: 10
    CCAs Joined: 2
    Flowers Received: 5
    Mystery Gifts Received: 1

    (more…)

  • Description Medicine

    Lying, as spread-eagled as possible, on the narrow bed.

    Multi-pitched warbling of birds, shrill droning of insects and a sudden groan and roar of a bus’s engines… And a rhythmic but almost silent beeping from a distant, unattended alarm.

    Eyes gummed shut with a night’s worth of the sandman’s handiwork, till it makes a disgustingly audible sound as I blink back consciousness.

    Skin, cold and numb but radiatingly warm in my core. Throat, sandpaper; head, pulsating like a bowling alley’s strikes.

    I scratch up a checklist from my fragmented mind:
    emails
    emails,
    emails and delegation
    and tutorials and sit-in labs
    And medication.

    ‘Bonetrousle’ creeps from my phone, placed a metre away, both measures by my 11pm self to ensure that my 7am self can get up; I hate him and thank him as I always do.

  • Responses

    The dark canvas of the new year’s sky overhead shimmered with the sequins and glitter of explosions.

    The crowd gasped, whistled and cheered at the marvellous rediscovery of fire in the sky, through the chaotic stench of alcohol, and the fog of cigarette and gunpowder smoke. I was unfolding and refolding my arms in awkward indecision. (I originally raised my hands to bite my nails in excitement but Mum slapped it out of my mouth without so much as a glance)

    ..

    My bid as a Stage Manager is shaping up; I’m supposed to be some sort of “RSM” to these fellas as they fumble around giving each other directions. Like the blind. Leading the blind. Leading the blind. Half the things they mentioned today were mind blowing in technical depth and cemented my interest in Theatre (along with the term, Theatre Nerd, Ping and An warned me of)

    Conversation was difficult, and being the only junior in the lot didn’t make it much easier. I sensed some of them reaching out to me, but my responses were as firm as a wild garden hose. I swear, if I’d cringed any more at myself, I’d soon have no neck left.

    ..

    You know when someone mentions a flaw of something that you’ve never noticed before, and you end up seeing it all the time?

    Well, I’ve finally gotten my Surface Pro 4. A heavy iPad or a light laptop that you’re too lazy to retrieve from your bag of choice.

    Too clumsy to be a good tablet, too weak to be a worthy laptop and too crash-prone to be a good device.

    —

    (more…)

  • Tasteless

    I leaned against the brown, chilly water pipes, water pouring through my mop of hair and carrying all the heat down, cascading off the various contours of my body.

    Staring at the door, bathed in a warm, orange glow, with the white noise of gushing water and messy, wandering thoughts.

    (more…)

  • Conversations #2

    [SHAO YUN is outside the 3DIV auditorium with his mom after a parent engagement regarding EX CLAYMORE.]

    INT. 3DIV AUDITORIUM – EVENING

    FADE IN:

    Shao enters the frame, holding his mother by the hand. He notices HIM ushering people about, hesitates, and approaches HIM to give HIM a poke on the stomach.

    SHAO

    Hello!

    HIM

    Hey! Not having any refreshments?

    SHAO performs an amazing internal struggle at the sheer excitement of being replied to.

    SHAO (yelling softly)

    THIS IS MY MUM BUT SHE KEEPS CALLING HERSELF MY SISTER

    SHAO breaks into a hurried trot as he drags his mother off-screen. A distant audience laughs at his antics.

    QUICK-CUT:

    INT. BUS – EVENING

    SHAO is sitting next to his mother, and slaps his face after a pause. The exact same audience laughs and applauds his foolishness as the scene fades out.

    FADE OUT.

  • Still Clueless

    I haven’t written anything on this thing for some time. I spent the last 10 minutes thinking of how to explain why, but it’s pointless so never mind.

    The New Year! 2014 was supposed to be promising. But it’s been bleak. Plenty of introspective journeys while doing absolutely boring things, ranging from MRT rides to spacing out during conflicts. I’ve worked hard last year for damned weeks and yet others with more “prominent” achievements get recognised. Result? I’ve become an absolute slob. A shortcut-seeking sod looking for an exit for everything I’ve been doing. I’ve become an elitist who downplays the achievements of others whenever convenient. I’ve become one real hot-headed douche who cares not about others. Swears flow, excuses are made, tempers rise. I’m bloody damned aware that I’ve become worse and I’m bloody damned aware that I won’t give a rat’s ass in the future, but I’m a worse person so to speak. Can’t allow that to happen. I’m working on it.

    Chinese New Year! I am no longer in need of convincing that I cannot hold my liquor. A single shot is too much.

    Next. They’ve made me do something about my fitness. I run and do statics whenever they want me to. Fair enough! I’m losing weight slowly again; hope I can find the strength I used to have back in J1.

    I’m learning more about myself. I hope I’m wrong about some things.

    holy fuck I’m gonna be 20 this year. DAMN IM OLD

    Also, I’ve become happier ever since entering this goddamn hellhole where everyone’s a weird-ass mofo, (myself included so the part above where I said I’m elitist doesn’t apply here) which in all honesty scares me to shit. Perhaps the complete change in environment makes it easier to distance myself from all the sadness I’ve used to have. It’s making me much more brutish though (I’m talking throwing cement-grade biscuits at people’s faces out of pure anger), which I definitely detest about myself.

    Finally, I think it’s time to revamp my about-me and maybe even the whole concept of this blog altogether. I’m interested in Web design again, but it’s a little daunting. I should start with a website. Man, in retrospect, my design skills sucked.

    Maybe I’ll write something more fluent next time when it’s not 1:35am.

    *Note: the above post may have sounded super vague, but I’m trying to not mention anything specific about my “job” now. Don’t want to think about it.

  • INTERMISSION I: FP EGR PNR

    I hope I can finish this before the buzz wears off. (no that was not what she said) That glass was horrible.

    ———–

    You are posted to: 30SCE

    Your vocation is: FP EGR PNR

    ———–

    Every 20+ weeks, a phenomenon in Singapore happens where a 3,000-strong mass of hairless adolescents throw their jockey caps and slack for 5+ days. At the end of this period, a haunting groan echoes throughout the island at precisely 1000H, when they receive their postings.

    Where has my happiness gone? Seems like it can be found at the far-West Jurong camp, where I’m due on Monday (and perhaps the rest of my restless days as a soldier).

    I’ve at least 2 people I know who are already/going over there, and I count on Chin Ying’s words that it’ll be much better than it sounds.

    —

    On the eventful (a fast march, pissed-off recruits and no-pissing oh my!) route march, I lamented to my friends about the sadness that was human selfishness, only to receive the wonderful, golden gift of silence.

    My addled brain will now repeat this mistake, albeit to a web-based audience.

    Have you ever truly tried to live in another’s shoes?

    When travelling through a street full of strangers, have you ever wondered what led every one of them to the street? What led the busker to play his guitar so badly on this very street? Is there more to this elderly mother than her calm demaneour? Would this uninterested looking fellow surprise me with tales of his very own life?

    These questions first hit me when I was travelling around China in a tour bus in December, 2011. As the bus trundled up the spiral hills of Xinjiang, I saw an elderly woman walking alongside the road, toting a pack full of firewood. As I laid lazily on the backseat, the mad contrast of our current lives confronted me,  and I started to wonder. Did that woman live in an apartment or a shack? Was she thinking of her children? What was she doing?

    And I laid back, and wondered a little more.

    And recently, I marched past a group of cyclists, and wondered if they knew what we went through for the past 19 weeks. I wonder how my busy friends feel about me now, and whether they’d be much more happy in my footsteps.

    And we’re all selfish assholes aren’t we?

    Whenever a problem comes, we’re quick to point fingers and shift the blame and jump to conclusions and start flames. We never consider the lives of the others and we love to pretend our problems don’t end. Of course, this leads to misunderstandings that should’ve never happened, and as a result, beautiful things end too soon and the honest never really get the recognition they deserve.

    Every conversation starts with a “me” in mind, and whatever the others say are usually heard, but not listened to, until a gap introduces itself. The one that kept mum will spring his mouth, ready to be the next presenter, and this will go on and on until everyone’s exhausted their words and become disinterested. And of course, altruism is but a method of self-soothing, isn’t it? People do things ultimately for themselves; even the most innocent of actions are just behaviours to make themselves feel better.

    Since when have I become so pessimistic? Such a view of humans is definitely overtly in the negative and I do know that I can be easily proven wrong. I’m bloody selfish and I’ve caught myself conversation-hogging a few times too.

    Excuse: We’re all not perfect.

    But… knowing is half the battle, isn’t it?

    I’m not making sense, heh.

    —

    Next: Absurdism; why life is pointless until you agree with that fact.

    And I’m sorry for not sleeping early, as I’d told you.

  • Boarder’s Bid

    If life gives you past-year papers and knee-deep notes…

    Make the most out of the life you have left.

    ———————————————————————————————

    44 Things to Do Before I Leave the Boarding School

    ☑ Get drunk.
    COMPLETED (12 Oct)     Graduation night, PRCs asked me out for drinks.

    ☑ Wear a suit.
    COMPLETED (18 Oct) Boarding School EOY dinner.

    ☑ Wear a suit to breakfast.
    COMPLETED (19 Oct) I slept in it too.

    ☐ Get kicked out of college at night for staying too long.

    ☐ Watch the sunrise on the hill behind the dining hall.

    ☐ Visit the beauty salon on the first floor.

    ☐ Study in Starbucks until 10PM. [PROGRIS: 9:45pm]

    ☐ Catch a couple kissing.

    ☐ Take a photo of a couple kissing. (UNETHICAL)

    ☐ Get that Santa hat from Hall C (The girls’ dormitory)

    ☐ Hug 10 different people.

    ☐ Buy the elusive chicken leg from Blue Tea (I have no idea when they sell it)

    ☐ Do 5 pull-ups in a go. [PROGRIS: 2/5]

    ☐ Play the drums in the music room.

    ☐ Consume nothing but blackcurrant juice for a dinner.

    ☐ Experience the fire alarm.

    ☐ Stay in the study room until closing time. (2AM)

    ☐ Sleep on the sofas in the common area.

    ☐ Attempt to enter Kuek’s house (our quartermaster, lives on our floor)

    ☐ Hi-five 10 people.

    ☑ Play the theme song of “Titanic” on the recorder for the hall to hear.
    COMPLETED (16 Oct) Very badly too.

    ☑ Make friends with a level-mate.
    COMPLETED (9 Oct)     A shame he romps around in boxers.

    ☐ Stay for an entire weekend.

    ☐ Sing spontaneously with a person on another floor.

    ☑ Decorate my corner of the room.
    COMPLETED (22 Oct) Halloween tinsel! Beautiful.

    ☐ Project a movie for people to watch.

    ☐ Cover study room lights with cellophane.

    ☐ Celebrate someone’s birthday loudly with Mr. Kuek.

    ☐ Put a roommate’s belonging in Jello.

    ☑ Get guard to say “good morning” to me.
    COMPLETED (18 Oct) Surprisingly easier than I thought.

    ☐ Get Goh Chok Tong’s Ghurka guard to wave at me.

    ☐ Flirt with the auntie at Blue Tea.

    ☐ Learn to whistle with 2 hands.

    ☐ Do that whistle at girls.

    ☐ Stand at the drinks dispenser and serve drinks to 10 people.

    ☑ Return to the boarding school after 2230 (curfew).
    COMPLETED (SO MANY TIMES) Oh man I just oh man

    ☐ Build a card pyramid.

    ☐ Spend an entire day wearing sunglasses.

    ☐ Order a pizza to the boarding school.

    ☐ Microwave a grape.

    ☐ Be nice.

    ☐ Sell lemonade.

    ☐ Memorise the Skyrim theme song.

    ☐ Learn to play the harmonica.

    ☐ Have a lucid dream.