
It’s reservist time again.
Reservist feels like an odd… wacky… social experiment where all of us poorly adjusted, middle-aging-towards men exhibit all kinds of weird behaviours.
I wouldn’t call these behaviours “toxic masculinity”, because I found myself on the giving and receiving end of that stick. (gay joke)
There’s this guy in my bunk called Gabriel.
For some reason, his actions provoke the ever-fucking ire out of me (I’m literally ignoring what he’s saying right now, with my earphones on and typing into this phone)
He’s like if God decided that Hercules didn’t need so many trials, and instead mashed all my traumas into a single being-
He hovers over me, backseat-advising as I attempt to practice assembling and disassembling a chainsaw.
He says, and I say this as someone attempting to be compassionate, the dumbest fuckingest unnecessariest shit ever.
When anyone in an area asks a question, aimed toward or away from him, he would answer in the smarmiest fucking way, especially if he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. His answers are like stockbrokers’ advice, statistically worse than a coin flip.
He acts out in stupid ways, like driving recklessly, giving stupid threats that can be dismantled by calling his shit out and forcing himself into conversation.
He pays off his debt of being socially cloying with literal gifts of chocolate and beer, an act which I absolutely hate but accept anyway.
I’d be content with ending this here, but for my hero’s journey to be complete, I need to sink my teeth into my judgement. I need to bare my fangs of projection of inner hatred and trauma.
Gabriel is one of the angels sent from heaven to tell me exactly that.
God will pass me my metaphorical ticket to heaven (enlightenment), if I were to realise that Gabriel is not a dick, cunt or asshole or any part in between.
He is just what he is; a guy who tries too hard for my attention, and I withhold it from him…
Just as the people I crush after and try hard for, “withhold” it from me.
Gabriel exhibits so many features of my brother as well: Anxious attempts to answer any questions posed to the family, to soothe a chaotic father. Cloying, awkward, inauthentic ways to attempt to bond, which are still applaudable as attempts to bond. False nonchalance in a bid to appear mature.
And I tend to… unfairly… (you don’t know how hard it is for me to admit that) translate so many of his utterances and “troll-speak” into malicious, vile words that are personal.
My bunk mates don’t see as much a problem in him as I do, which brings to call something Ping mentioned a day ago, that everyone is triggered by different things and it’s okay to disagree on the nature of someone else.
Believe me, I feel like a cunt for writing all that shit about him above, and I feel like performing desecration just for writing his homophobic, showoff-ish, piece-of-lying-ass into this post.
Under all the layers of grungy paint, is someone who is not my brother or father, who is actually real and wants to be my friend and is confused as to why I’m so cold towards him because he offered me advice on how to shack up the chain on the chainsaw.
I took melatonin and I’m gonna crash, will update later? Reservist sucks cos I’m tired and the lack of female figures makes this such a ripe ground for male trauma.
My next step is to then listen to his bullshit. And understand who he is beyond someone who exists so superficially similarly as my brother that I dread being in the same room as him.








