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I don’t know why but I’m not happy today. Had a lot of laughs and smiles but I don’t feel more appreciative of my class, nor am I grinning like an idiot on the ride home. Just plain old stonefaced apathy. I’m thanking people via SMS and stuff but I just don’t really mean what I’ve said.

Spent time after Math to make the Teacher’s Day video as a class. Lixian wanted me to do it but someone else did it of his own accord. Without prompting or prior notice. Was rather miffed until I realised I don’t give a flying shit about whether he got extra reputation or fame. I would’ve done a shit job anyway, so I’m glad someone else is being shit in my place. Thanks a lot. I know you love yourself a lot, just leave me alone and I’ll be fine. I love myself too, just that I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

We played pool for GEMS from 5-7. Surprised at how adept i was at knocking striped/solid balls into other striped/solid balls. Joy marred by SOMEONE’s derisive insults (but at least I didn’t pocket the fucking 8-ball which was honestly rather silly of you).

Then we headed to Rachel’s resort  chalet house, and went over to nearby food courts to order takeaways. Wasn’t too happy because my black pepper hor fun somehow turned into their signature one (I think they mistook my order, which was why it doubled in price and the final price being $5 more than calculated).

Then we went in to do stuff. Won twice in Asshole Daidi, everyone shouted at Bryan to stop trying to mess with the electronic piano. I stopped playing cards because they started playing bridge which I was honestly terrible at. Ate durian strudel. Left at 10:45. Was unhappy because guess what, bus-taking at midnight isn’t a cause for celebration. I felt rather distant from them as well, like going to a party with people you didn’t really know all that well and having to stay with guys who keep throwing insults (I know some of them are jesting but gah) in your direction. Also some person who keeps undermining, insulting and being disgusting towards you despite how you try not to point out how he can’t brisk walk without running short of breath.

No, that is not how you treat your “friends”, you can’t expect to make them happy after you act cute towards/repeatedly scoff at/make sarcastic remarks at them the whole damn time. Yes! You’re fucking rich and generous! I appreciate it! Now if only you’d treat me as something other than a mentally handicapped peasant. And don’t try to make up for it by being annoying on purpose. It might not seem like much but trust me, my patience for you is wearing thin. I don’t even know if I can take you seriously now. What’s worse is that everyone’s on your damn side.

Sigh, it’s taking a lot for me to feel glad now. I’m too used to going home with a smile on my face and now I’m just getting very tired of life. (But Rachel was a great and fantastically bubbly host, while Lixian did a great job organising everything; great job, girls!)

YES I should be more tolerant YES I should look past their negatives YES I should be less paranoid and be more outgoing YES I should expect less niceness from them BUT I just can’t get over how tiring it is to even stay in existence, to slog through every day with heavy footsteps, living with a morbidly acute tendency to get offended and knowing and fearing that I will face such shit the next day.

I’m not contemplating suicide; I’m a rational dickpussy who’s afraid of the pain. I’m just addicted to being recognised and having my presence appreciated. My ego yearns to be fed, but I’m not even asking for much. I just need someone to listen to whatever I want to say, to ask questions like how I do, to give a flying fuck about my existence. Maybe some people have always been there, in the shadows, and I’m too thick to realise it.

Sometimes after you’ve gained opinions about others, you can’t really see them in the same light any more. Their words may sound malicious or genuine; their opinions insignificant or important; their actions attention-seeking or hilarious- it’s such a pity that I judge easily. Sometimes I’m thankful that I’m fickle and change opinions easily. Saves me more unhappiness than being strong-willed.

What’s the point of writing all this anyway. No one can help me with this shit, and I’ll have to face it all myself. My eyes are freaking tired. I better go sleep now.

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight;
it’s the size of the fight in the dog” – Mark Twain

Went to the CUBE prize presentation with Kenneth and Marie today! We headed down to the URA Centre after school where we saw that HCJC won first prize! It was so crowded that we shrugged and decided to leave immediately.

We ended up going to The Soup Spoon at the Tanjong Pagar MRT to chat and talk about stuff although Kenneth was doing most of the talking which gave us little chance to say anything (not like we had anything to say anyway so it was ok). We chatted till it was 6 and I gave the most gormless idea of walking to Raffles Place MRT. Marie and Kenneth agreed and we marched down the road somewhat uncertainly while I marvelled at the towering skyscrapers. The way we followed the workers down the street reminded me of some detention camp where throngs of prisoners make their way to the jail or something.

I guess this somewhat constitutes as the CBD walk I wanted! It wasn’t satisfying enough though, because we were heading home via the MRT. But I’m glad Marie pointed it out and well, it’s more of a motivation to keep on living or something 🙂 I think I want to walk along the river instead.

We ended with this awkward back-pat/half-hug at the foyer of the station… I originally wanted to give some shoulder pat but I reached too far and it became some kind of back-pat and I had to turn sideways so that it didn’t become some kind of hug which would’ve become rather awkward in public :C

Kenneth did the same side shoulder-comfort patting thing too and we took the train together while Marie went down the other side.

Kenneth and I had this discussion on the MRT about the current Art Club ExCo. I got the idea that the current ExCo wasn’t capable enough as compared. The ExCo consisted of every “non-clique” member of the comic wing (except for Eiros), which were coincedentally all girls too (except for Eiros), like the previous ExCo. But I have to admit that because only Kang, Eiros and I went and applied to be ExCo members. I was super unconfident and incapable while Kang had Wushu and couldn’t do much for the club although he would’ve been a great chairman. So it’s not biased at all wowowow. I’m not sore or anything but jeez it seems like Art Club is only fun for the people within the “clique” and it’s rather worrying that everyone’s so segregated.

Why am I always so worried for the well-being of others but not my own. Ack.

–

NVM WE ARE SCIENTISTS ARE HERE TO BRIGHTEN MY NIGHT

I play this song every time I walk home because it reminds me that time with my friends is super-duper precious <3

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XXfqPRG4TQ]

After Hours – We Are Scientists

This door is always open,
This door is always open,
No one has the guts to shut us out.
But if we have to go now,
I guess there’s always hope that,
Some place will be serving after hours.

This night is winding down but
Time means nothing,
As always at this hour
Time means nothing,
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay

We’re finally drunk enough that,
We’re finally soaking up,
The hours that everyone else throws away.
And if we have to go now,
I guess there’s always hope,
Tomorrow night will be more of the same.

This night is winding down but
Time means nothing,
As always at this hour
Time means nothing,
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay.

We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
(Time means nothing)
We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
(Time means nothing)

This door is always open,
This door is always open,
No one has the guts to shut us out.
No one has the guts to shut us out.

Time means nothing,
Time means nothing,
One final final round cos
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay
Say that you’ll stay.

Bah I just ate something during lunch and that was it. Maddeningly small appetite. COULD IT BE ANOREXIA O GOD

Could be attributed to the novella-worthy list of annoyance and worries I have had recently. It’s obvious that it’s time to let go and to move on, but I just… can’t. I’m accustomed to living in the past and even though I tell others to move on, I can’t do so myself. I just need the strength to do so.

Woke up at the extremely ungodly hour of 2pm (yesterday) but I thought it was 11am. It really sucks when you wake up and the first thing you mumble is “what the ffffuuccckk” when you see the clock.

My appetite has become appalingly small too. I only ate a bowl of instant noodles for the whole of today (yesterday).

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I made some different choices in life in the first place. Would I have less worries? Would I be content? Would I be still so damned overweight? I wouldn’t know. I don’t know if it’s something to be glad about either.

Gah didn’t finish writing all of that last night.

Had a tiny “scuffle” last night. As usual it was full of resentment. But this time I stuck by my convictions, that absolutely nothing was wrong with being sarcastic. He said that my personality had changed in a really short time, and although I was quick to dismiss it, I could tell there was truth in that harsh statement.

Why do little things like this worry me so much when there’s a bloody math test tomorrow 🙁

When I sat in front of the desktop at midnight yesterday, I just stared at the wallpaper blankly and realised that I had no idea what I was doing before the computer. For the first time in months, I had no more companion to chat with, but at the same time no more emotional pittances and no more worries and no more reasons to be sad. I slept soundly for once.

Argh I get way too possessive over my closer friends. I get envious when they go out with others and I get unhappy when others talk to them (rarely) and and and I’m pretty pathetic really! But then at the same time I’m too timid to comment on their stuff BLAH I’M NOT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT when will I learn to disregard such unimportant things 🙁

At the same time there are really disrespectful people around me who I don’t really want to be with. I know I tend to insult sometimes but it’s only because you’re so darn demeaning and pompous, insulting my intelligence and appearance every other sentence you speak. What’s worse is that you’re so bloody annoying and you know it. You’re just doing that to get my attention and even though you might think it’s effective IT’S NOT. I’m already at the end of my tether okay. The dinner today was fun and all but all I felt was resentment until I left. If you don’t want me to be rude to you then DON’T BE RUDE TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I have my own limits and it doesn’t take much for me to be perpetually pissed. Bloody annoying.

And so I reckon this post will cause another person to go into depression boo hoo GET A BLOODY LIFE. JUST just stop being annoying. For once. And let us coexist peacefully without insults and the like. Then maybe I’ll try to look past all your negatives.

On an unrelated note I need anger management courses.

Oh I found the warranty for the earphones I broke a few weeks back. I hope I can get a new pair for free!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GaFD9SeA0]

Had this major bout of depression in the past few days, but the outing yesterday really made me much happier than before.

There’s something special about hanging out on the roof of the Esplanade and watching random laser shows from across the river while talking about life and such. Sure, it’s not the CBD, but it’s the closest damn thing we’ve been to that and it’s a wonderful place to be. Looking forward to Saturday!

If you’re feeling overburdened, just give yourself some time to adjust. Everyone’s rooting for that happy ending of yours!

“If you want to feel secure, do what you already know.
But if you want to grow, go to the cutting edge of your competence,
which means a temporary loss of security.
So, whenever you don’t quite know what you’re doing, know that you’re growing.” – Mark Twain

I’m okay now 🙂

I had this great sense of despair all of a sudden and I do not know why… My Project Work group’s utterly fucked and my Chinese is fucking shit; I need to talk to someone about this but I don’t want to annoy anyone for no rhyme or reason; I’m shivering in my seat although I’m sweating like mad; my heart is wrenching itself in my chest.

I’m afraid. Afraid that I’m already annoying people with these minuscule pittances. Afraid that people are making use of my insecurities. Afraid of back-biters. Afraid of being made use of. Afraid of being a total tool in this “plan” of his.

I don’t know if I can trust anyone any more.